Ich finde, die Sache mit dem Demaskieren ist nicht so einfach. Immer wieder lese ich, dass man in der Nähe der „richtigen Menschen“ nicht maskieren müsse und einfach man selbst sein könne. So fühlt es sich für mich aber nicht an. Gerade meinen Lieblingsmenschen möchte ich das nicht zumuten, weil es anstrengend und belastend sein kann, und weil sie selbst oft nur begrenzte Löffel zur Verfügung haben.
actuallyautistic
"I'm tired,
I'm tired of being tired."
All too often I can't help thinking that this should be our motto, or legend written on our flag, were we ever to raise one over a land of our own. And it's hardly surprising really, given how exhausting just being autistic is in the human world.
We are constantly having to try and understand and translate what allistics are saying and trying to communicate, whether that be through speech or the written word, or ads, or everything really, into something that we can at least vaguely understand. But that, to say the least, is always an uphill and somewhat fruitless endeavour. Their speech is filled with so many allusions and stuff "we should just know and understand", givens and common understandings, that only really work if you actually ever fucking understood them in the first place. With meanings that are meant to be perceived, or invoke an emotive response, or show the important things, at least to them, of their existence and relationship to you, like status and position, power and authority. All the things that are so often lost on us, because it's not the way we see, or think about the world and yet without which make their words lack the meaning or substance that can actually make them useful. And then, of course, we are in the wrong, or just wilful, or just rude when we ask for an explanation, or fail to understand.
And then there is the sensory hell of the world they live in. All the noise and lights and smells that they just take for granted and seem to consider normal. So normal, in fact, that complaining or trying to protect yourself from them, is also often considered rude, or weird and certainly nothing you can explain to them with any hope of them really understanding. In fact trying to explain pretty much anything to them, or trying to get them to understand your needs and experiences, the way you need people to communicate with you for it to work, or the environment that you can live in, is so often a fruitless enterprise, or, at worst, the sort of encounter that ends up making you want to bash your head repeatedly against a brick wall until something, literally fucking anything, no matter how small, can make sense. Because rarely what we try to communicate to them, normally because of bitter experience, is that difficult or demands that much effort and yet still it still seems to be beyond them.
All too often, to a lesser or greater extent, this is the story of our lives. Masking can help, but that is its own energy drain. Being able to surround ourselves with the right people can help more, as can stubbornly looking after your own needs. But the wider world is always there, like an opinionated black hole, always ready to drain so much away. Getting older doesn't help with all this, as the natural wear and tear and the struggle of the years begin to gang up on us. As the energy reservoirs become less and less what they used to be, or fill back up with anything like the vigour of our youth. Everything becomes its own kind of harder. So perhaps is it any wonder that burnout dogs our ageing footsteps like an over eager puppy just waiting for the chance to trip us up and slobber all over us. In fact, you could almost argue that it is an inevitability, especially for those of us who expanded so much masking and uncertain and not realising that we were autistic for so long and didn't know all the things we could do to help ourselves, as little as they can sometimes be.
So perhaps it is no wonder that tiredness is so often our default state. We live in a world that all too often makes little or no sense, that can be hateful and harmful and care not a wit for us, or our needs. Why we spend so much time trying to understand how many spoons, or spell spots, or however we like to think about it, things will cost us and how much we can afford to spend. How we can be like paupers counting their small change, over and over again, in the vague hope that we can afford the simplest things that we desire.
So yes, all this and more is why I'm tired and tired of being tired, but then that just means I'm alive and still going. That I am still struggling and fighting and paying the price to just live in this world and if you think about it, that is no small thing.
Villager 1: Hey, you know that weird lady that lives in the woods? What's her deal?
Villager 2: Oh yeah, that's Lilith. She don't talk much, but if you wanna know what berries and mushrooms you can eat without dying, ask her.
Also has some interesting stories. Pretty fun to listen to.
I feel so off today, just because an appointment I have weekly got abruptly cancelled. I hate that I'm like this, and that I haven't been able to change it. I feel thrown off and anxious. #ActuallyAutistic
I was asked to try making a logo for our neurodivergence group. I know approximately jack nothing about design. I threw this together. Can I have your opinion on it? Critiques, advice, a sturdy ladle upside the brain bucket...
#Design #Logo #Norwich #Neurodivergence #ActuallyAutistic #MastoArt #AskFedi #SquareEyedDummy
Wie vermittel ich einem hochbegabten, übersensiblen AuDHS-Kind, dass es sich bei dummen Menschen benehmen muss?
Nur falsche Antworten, bitte ☝️
Edited 2d ago
Moved yet again, this time to a self-hosted firefish instance :3
I'm an AuDHD transbian girl being gay and silly on fedi. 
Expect lots of shitposts/random nonsense, selfies, gay yearning and emotion dumping (both positive and negative, but under a CW). ^^
I like video games, mostly indie and Nintendo ones (e.g. osu!, Touhou, TLoZ, Metroid, Celeste, Crypt of the NecroDancer etc), and I also stream them. ^^
I also listen to a lot of video game music and their covers, and I can talk about languages, though I almost never post about either for some reason.
Disclaimer: the above info is correct at the time of writing, but it will become outdated over time, as my hyperfixations shift around every few months. My overall set of interests is fairly static tho, so if I will be circling back to the previous ones eventually. 
I'm also a GNOME developer (mostly maintaining libadwaita and a few third party apps), and I will occasionally post updates about that, but this is my personal account first and foremost, so don't expect a lot of posts about it :3
I'm also developing a game emulator frontend called Highscore, but how many spoons I have for it varies wildly over time 
#introduction #introductions #trans #gay #ActuallyAutistic #ADHD #AuDHD #neurodivergent #VideoGames #osuGame #touhou #touhou_project #TheLegendOfZelda #zelda #metroid #nintendo #Celeste #CryptOfTheNecrodancer #CadenceOfHyrule #vgm #VideoGameMusic #GNOME #libadwaita
How would you describe your ordinary daily level of anxiety (if any at all)?
#Autism #ActuallyAutistic #Neurodivergent #AuDHD
Options: (choose one)
introduction!!
My name is: Pluto 
I was born in: 1999
Pronouns: he/him 🏳️⚧️
.
.
I enjoy: music, art, writing, roller skating, cats, reptiles, ocean biology, anarcho-communism, cooking, alternative and avant- garde fashion, snuggling with my Domestic Partner™️ Puffball.
.
.
I am #actuallyautistic so please use tone indicators when you can when interacting with me, and clearly communicate; I don’t want to play mind games; tell me to fuck off if you don’t want to talk to me k thanks :-)
.
.
I am autistic about: The Mountain Goats band🐐 🐐🐐, animals, Care Bears and my ocs. Be autistic about these things with me if you like
"Life is complicated, then parenting comes along, and parenting neurodivergent children adds a whole new layer of complexity."
Something new and intensely personal on the blog this week.
Parenting in a Neurodivergent Household: A Mother’s Reflection
https://carasutra.com/2026/03/parenting-neurodivergent-household/
#Neurodivergent #Autism #ActuallyAutistic #AutismParenting #Neurodiversity #ChronicIllness #Parenting #Blogger #UKblog #UKblogger #MumStuff #LifeUnscripted
Half of our family is home sick, physically ill, due to time change today. Yes, we all took some sort of sleep aid last night to try to help, but we're #ActuallyAutistic sensitive folk. There will also be an increase in car crashes and heart attacks this week due to time change. How is this a minor issue not worth bothering to fix? #TimeChange
Edited 5d ago
Is empathy political?
An article on autistic empathy.
#Autism #ActuallyAutistic #Neurodivergent #AuDHD #Neurodiversity #Empathy #DoubleEmpathy
Subject: Autistic ‘black and white’ thinking.
It's framed as a deficit often seen in autism, but... is it that simple? 
Autistic people are traditionally criticized for our inflexibility, or cognitive rigidity.
But I think this isn’t the whole picture.
To start with what we know, here are ten things we autistic people generally have in common (refs at the end of the thread):
⬇️
#Autism #Neurodivergent #ActuallyAutistic #AuDHD #Neurodiversity
Many autistic adults shudder when recalling school memories.
But why do autistic people suffer so much at school?
Historically, it’s been framed that a) school is above reproach, and b) there’s always something wrong with the child who doesn’t manage, and not the environment.
Some are starting to question that.
A thread 🧵
⬇️
#School #Autism #ActuallyAutistic #Neurodivergent #EBSA #ABSA #PDA
@autistics
I once wrote about how it was not unrealistic, to think that there was no such thing as an un-traumatised autistic. About how so many of us have known bullying and persecution simply for being different. Not even always for what we may have said or done, but often for simply standing out; in all the ways that we didn't even know we were. How just simply being, was so often an excuse to be attacked or punished. That our very existence, even as hard as we tried to mask, whether we knew that was what we were doing or not, was the cause of so much pain.
All the scars we carry from misreading situations. Or from believing in something, or someone, and being burnt as a consequence. All the times we've tried to stand up for ourselves, or as often as not for others, and been dismissed and ridiculed. All the misjudgements and disbelieve and times when our intent and purpose, have been seen in the ways that were never, ever, meant to be. The sheer inability for others to see us as we are, or to judge us accordingly. But, always to seem to want to see the worst and to base everything else on that.
But the more I learn and understand about being autistic. The more I realise that so much of my trauma and the scars that were left, came not just from this overt pain, but from the covert well-meaning of others as well. From my parents and relatives, from friends and teachers. From all the advice and instruction I have received over the years that was meant to shape me in the right way. As a child, to teach me how to grow up, how to behave and act. What was expected and what wasn't. And then, as an adult, how I was supposed to be and how a successful life, with me in it, was supposed to look. All the rules I was supposed to learn, all the codes I was supposed to follow. How to act, how to speak, what to feel, when to feel it. What I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to be.
Not in any unusual way. Not in any way that you weren't supposed to raise a child, well a normal child anyway. That's what makes this so covert. But, it meant that so often I ended up being infantilised and punished for failing to become something, that I had no more chance of becoming than a cat has of becoming a dog. Despite the constant hammering of the world trying, without even realising it, to fit a round peg that I was, into the square hole they thought I should fit, and all the pain and disappointment I endured from their failure to come even close.
For me, what made this worse, was that it wasn't as if I didn't know that I was different, not in my heart, but that I thought that I shouldn't be. That I should be able to learn what I was being taught, that I should be able to follow the guidance. That I wasn't any different really from anyone else and so if I failed to act in the right way, or react the way I should, for that matter, then it was my fault. All the patient sighs and familiar looks, simply became just another reinforcement of my failure. Even being told off for the simplest things, became a reminder that something that I should have been able to do, was beyond me and always for the only reason that ever made any sense; that I was broken, that it had to be my fault somehow.
Is it any wonder that so much of my life has been about trying to justify myself in the light of this, a cat trying to become that "good dog". Of judging myself against an impossible standard. A constant lurching from one bad choice to another, and always because I thought they were the right ones. And for each new failure and inability to even come close, another scar, another reminder of what I wasn't. Further proof that my self-esteem was right to be so low. Of how I was such a failure and a bad person. That I was never going to be a proper son or brother or friend. Because I couldn't even be what I was supposed to be, let alone what I thought I should become.
Looking back, I can't help thinking about how much of my life I spent living this way; of trying not to repeat the sins of my past. Of not repeating the actions or behaviour that had led to those past failures and trauma. Of, in fact, all the effort I put in to not being myself. Because that, I realise now, was what I was trying to do. I was still that round peg, but this time trying to hammer myself into the square hole. Because everything I had learnt had taught me to think that this was how I had to be. That this was how you grew. And in so many ways, I can't help feeling angry about this. About the wasted years, about the scars I carry that were never my fault. About the way I was brought up, even though so much of it was never meant, but only ever well-meant.
Edited 187d ago
For all those who might be interested. I thought I might share some of the things I learnt whilst realising I was autistic. These may, or may not, apply to you, but I hope someone finds something helpful.
I started upon the path of realising I was autistic by taking one of the tests. But a single test is only indicative. Taking a number of the tests and repeating the results, becomes, of course, ever more indicative. But, in a sense, it is still not proof. Sooner, or later, you have to do the work and look into it properly. The best sources of information are your fellow autistic's and there are numerous excellent books and websites, YouTubers and places like this, where such information can be found.
But, one thing you must always bear in mind, is that there is no such thing as a one size fits all, autism. We are all different from each other, even more so than non-autistics (allistics) tend to be. Think of it like a pick and mix bar. All the various traits and the manifestations of those traits and we all come away from that bar with our own individual bag of goodies. So it's OK to not see yourself in how others describe themselves. It's OK not to experience the difficulties that others might, or even the way that they may see some things as strengths or positives, when to you, they are not. This is normal.
It's also important to bear in mind that we can often not see traits within ourselves, not at first anyway. Sometimes it's because we see them as normal. Perhaps, we've picked them up from parents, or siblings, without realising that they may have been just as much in the dark about being autistic as you were. Sometimes it's because we've become too adept at not seeing them, at masking our own awareness of them from ourselves. It can also be that we don't think we have them, because we're not affected by them. This can often be because, without realising it, we've either carefully arranged our lives not to be, or have gone to great lengths to create the necessary accommodations that enable us to deal with them and just think of those processes as a normal part of our lives now, without taking the step back and thinking about why they are.
The fact that we all can be so different from one another, is also why we sometimes struggle to see ourselves in the official criteria for autism as outlined in the diagnostic manuals. The thing to remember about these, is that they are almost entirely the product of allistics looking in, rather than the experiences of actual autistics. They can also seem too deficit based and you might struggle to see yourselves fitting them because of that. Mostly because as adults we've spent a long time learning how to cope with the problems and also how to avoid them. But, the thing to remember about this, is that an official diagnosis is far more to do with determining how badly you might be affected by being autistic, than it is about whether you are autistic. And, unfortunately, the less experienced an assessor is in dealing with adults, the more this is likely to be the case.
For this reason and many others, self-diagnosis is considered as acceptable as an official-diagnosis to the vast majority of autistics. And, I suppose, this is the final point I want to make. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that this is something that has to be dealt with by the medical community. That it's something that should be diagnosed by a doctor and this is the appropriate route to follow. That only professionals can help you and that they will be the source of any information and guidance you need. Because, after all, for so much else it would be the route and I'm not saying it's not. For many reasons, getting an official diagnosis is often the right path for someone to follow. What I'm saying is that after doing the work, after taking the time to learn and process it all and having come to the point of accepting and realising that you are autistic, that perhaps taking the next step of trying to get an official diagnosis, is no longer required, or needed.
A new instance and a new introduction.
I joined Mastodon in Nov. 2022. I was not of the twitter wave. This was in fact my first ever social media site I ever joined and still the only one that I'm on. It was simply a step on my autism awareness journey and a reaching out to others like me. I cannot express how much I've learnt and grown as a consequence and how much I value this place and all those I have met within it.
For the purpose of clarity and should anyone want to know. I am self-diagnosed and quite content to remain that way. I also hate the term self-diagnosed and much prefer self-realised. For this is a far more accurate and precise way of describing the process of discovery that I went through. Because no one wakes up one morning and just decides that they are autistic. It takes months, or even years in my case, to be able to convince ourselves, often against our own desires and judgement, that we are.
Diagnosis also implies that this is a medical condition and that what I am doing by self-diagnosing is essentially playing doctor, when only an official diagnosis can reveal that truth. Just like it does with most things medical. But autism, at its core, is a neurological difference not a disorder (although some of the things that can come with it most certainly are) and whilst at the moment it is diagnosable, so was being a homosexual once.
Because the harsh truth is that anything that is different from, will almost always be recognised only as a deviation from and a fault with, until it is properly understood and in my own small way, this is what I'm trying to do and to help others to do.
This has been said before, by many people, and far better than I will. But it bears repeating, probably as often as it can be.
Autism is a neurological difference. We think and process differently. We just don't work in the same ways as others. Most of us, growing up, are more than aware of this. But not necessarily why, or to what degree. We just recognise that we are different. But, this isn't exactly something that can be discussed. Often the feeling is nebulous at best, other times it can feel embarrassing and far too personal. But in any case, trying to talk about things like this, especially as children, is never going to be a particularly safe or wise choice.
So instead, we bury the feelings deeply and try to get on with life as best we can. This is normally done through learning to mask and in avoiding as much as possible those situations where our difference is made most noticeable. In fact, many of us get so good at this that we can wander for years, or even decades, through life without ever reaching the understanding that we are autistic.
But when we do reach this stage, it involves a process of coming to terms with it and understanding what it means. It requires months, often years, of research to come to terms with and to overcome the false stereotypes and ableism that many of us carry. This is what is called self-diagnosis and sometimes it is as far as we go. For many of us it is enough, or we have reached a point in our lives where getting an official diagnosis is not worth it. Or even possible. Many systems, whether on purpose or not, make it all but impossible for people over a certain age, or people of colour, or female presenting, to be able to get officially diagnosed. Or it is simply too prohibitively expensive to even try.
It is for this reason that the vast majority of autistic spaces welcome all those who think they are actually autistic, even those that are only just beginning to explore the notion, the self-diagnosed and the officially diagnosed. Because this is all the actually means, that we think we are autistic, as opposed to those who aren't, but who still want to speak on behalf of or about autism. It is also why the actuallyautistic hashtag and @actuallyautistic group are open to us all too, not to divide autistics into those diagnosed and those not. Because that is simply a distinction over the route to the knowledge, not the knowledge itself.
🇨🇦Trying out this #introduction thing (finally).
Unemployed computer tech and aspiring novelist. Came to Mastodon because of the #foss and #fediverse thing, as I'm quite fond of open standards and non-corporate media (and well, anything really). I wasn't quite sure how to use it since I had never touched xitter, and didn't get the whole micro-blogging thing. I was always more of a forums/Reddit kind of person (I'm on Lemmy now instead BTW). But I found this place to be a great source of information, support, and community regarding autism and #NeuroDiversity since I am a late-self-realized #actuallyautistic and #ActuallyADHD (a.k.a. #AuDHD ) Turns out that "neurodiversity" has been a "special interest" of mine for a long time, before I even knew the word for it. So I spend a lot of time here, probably more than I should. 😛
I'm also working on several projects that I guess can only be collectively referred to as "social benefit" projects. I'll talk about those occasionally and even asking for help, because they are big projects that will need many people and I don't work so well by myself.
And I'm also one of those progressive, lefty, pinko, equal rights, social justice, digital freedom, privacy advocating, LGBT+ ally type people. I grew up on Star Trek ok? They debated whether a cloud of gas or a big rock was actually a person or not. Makes the crap we have to deal with right now IRL seem pretty stupid.
So if you like talking about that kind of stuff, or any of my copious other SpIns (many of which are in my profile), I'm game.
AuDHDers: tired of burning out trying to make self-employment work?
A lot of solopreneur advice assumes people work in the same way, but Autistic and AuDHD founders have totally different strengths and challenges.
I'm launching a new course soon: Work for Yourself Without Burning Out
http://www.autismchrysalis.com/audhd-solopreneur
1/2
#ActuallyAutistic #AuDHD #AutisticBusiness #NeurodivergentEntrepreneur #AutisticFreelancer #SelfEmployed #Solopreneur
I’ve inadvertently created a tonne of drama because someone at my contracting job didn’t like how I was keeping hours like a not-employee… as a not-employee.
They’re not on my team, they’re all happy with me. But my timesheets don’t “look right”.
Being the helpful autist that I am, I asked for clarification and if I needed another IR35 assessment. Well, it’s fully kicked off, my contract renewal is on hold and now I guess I’m #OpenToWork 😣
I think the only thing that has kept me from completely leaving social media (I only use Mastodon and Instagram) is that there's still plenty of humor, memes, cats, and sarcasm.
The rest of the topics that interest me or that I work with daily are widely available on blogs, technical and scientific pages, and from very intelligent people who just happen not to use social media.
Certain medical, scientific or highly specialized topics are present on social networks but at a very low, almost vulgar level. I know that many influencers share basic introductory information for people who want to learn or are just curious. But in the end, to access that content you have to put up with an extraordinary amount of junk information, personal issues, and very biased opinions on topics that don't interest me.
At one point, Mastodon seemed different; I almost thought it might be like the old forums. But no, it's a social network, with all that entails.
And I've come to understand very well that "socializing" is not something I'm very good at, nor something that interests me much.
Because I'm not very interested or don't know how to decipher communication and socialization codes, I always end up doing it quite badly. I mess things up constantly.
So here we go again. I'll just try to share some of my interests here. And if you see me posting a lot of cats and memes, it's because my brain is constantly telling me not to talk about controversial topics and not to get into arguments, not to start fires with my opinions, which in the end are not important because opinions are not reality.
#actuallyautistic #autism #socialmedia #mastodon #opinion #bipolar #neurodivergent
Asking #actuallyautistic people who were dx’d young and struggled with regulation and temper tantrums…what would you suggest for parents to do to help? I know someone who has an 8 year old & would like to steer them to supports. He was looking for ABA, but I did suggest reaching out to adult autistics for advice. His son is non verbal. Anyone know of any alternative supports for parents other than ABA to give them more accurate knowledge and care for their family.
Edited 10d ago