i do honestly get triggered every time our dear leader says things like this:

"“Iran just stated that they are going to hit very hard today, harder than they have ever hit before. THEY BETTER NOT DO THAT, HOWEVER, BECAUSE IF THEY DO, WE WILL HIT THEM WITH A FORCE THAT HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE!"

it makes me flinch. all i can think is "abusive daddy. we all live under an abusive daddy."

my dad wasn't abusive in this way, in the way of "if you keep crying, i'll have to keep hitting you!" (he's more of an emotional manipulator), but the logic is the same. and the resulting CPTSD is the same.

when you involuntarily brace yourself for whatever new nonsense dear leader says, when you flinch reflexively anticipating the next stupidity and the next one after that, that's your nervous system realigning to a CPTSD person's nervous system.

it fucking sucks, on top of everything else that sucks.

here are a few more examples of things dear leader says that are in line with things that abusive daddies say:

"“The heavy and pinpoint bombing, however, will continue, uninterrupted throughout the week or, as long as necessary to achieve our objective of PEACE THROUGHOUT THE MIDDLE EAST AND, INDEED, THE WORLD!”" (the abusive daddy version of this is "i'm going to keep hitting you until you shut up/submit")

"President Donald Trump on Friday said that “I’d love not to use” the U.S. military to attack Iran, “but sometimes you have to.”" (the abusive daddy version of this is "i don't want to hurt you, but if you don't behave, i might have to!")

"“We’re not thrilled with the way they’re negotiating,” Trump said. “They cannot have nuclear weapons.”
“I’m not happy that they’re not willing to give us what we have to have,” Trump said, referring to that condition." (the abusive daddy version of that is "i'm not happy with your behavior. i've got to have you quiet during my game.")

and from this morning: "“They want to talk, and I have agreed to talk, so I will be talking to them. They should have done it sooner. They should have given what was very practical and easy to do sooner. They waited too long,” Trump told me in a phone call from his Mar-a-Lago resort shortly before 9:30 a.m." (the abusive daddy version of that is "see how nice i can be when you do what i ask? you should've done it sooner, it would've been much easier.")

#CPTSD #abuse #USPol #patriarchy #family #recovery

I Could Have Lost My Mom This Week

I got a call yesterday or the day before (honestly the days blur now). That my Mom was at the hospital up in Vermont with heart pains and burning.

I think it was Tuesday, so two days ago.

She was admitted to the hospital up there and then it was determines that they needed to do a heart catheterization to see what was going on. They moved her to Dartmouth’s hospital in New Hampshire where the procedure could be done.

Today she had the procedure. It turns out that her right artery had two blockages. One 95% blocked and the other 85% blocked. The former got a stent and the later got ballooned.

She’s on the mend and in good spirits.

But only now that this is behind us do I realize that I could have lost her. She didn’t have a heart attack, instead she had an unstable angina. This could have been so much worse.

Thank God it wasn’t.

I’m so emotionally drained. But writing this out is helping me process.